The One We Always Remember...

I've written before about the woman that changed my entire way of life simply with a smile, how I missed the opportunity by not being ready to be that type of man, and now never can be, as I can't ever find myself capable of making that step again.  I made the step with her too early, and then too late, and I will regret that the rest of this life, hoping to God I get another chance in another life, because it may be my only hope to reconcile this heart of mine.

Shout out to Jami.....you have a lot to offer girl!

It's a path most of us have traveled or will, the unavoidable break up of a long-term relationship, and even for those of us that have been through a few of

these (not me, I had one break-up [ten year marriage], one unrequited, left all relationships alone after that...yeah, yeah..sad)the heartache and the even greater transition that everything changes is something that one hopes doesn't ever happen so often that we get use to such a thing, so we don't!

Inner Abyss: Emotionally functional or "ready to shut down the town"

I created a blog post for another site today that explored a little into the my psyche and touched lightly on my feelings about unrequited love, and how I handle the realities that particular confrontation with facts and the baggage, scars, and emotions I acknowledge and quickly allow to flow on through my mind as rapidly as they are prompted, knowing that a steady diet of Denial, Excuses, and then Avoidance to keep depression from ever having it's little tantrum because I never let them to the surface anymore!  The fact that I have learned to do that without applying liberal amounts of booze is either a miracle or a sign that I have effectively cut myself off from the root that allows such passion and despair too exist; it is like the falling of an "old growth tree on Sacred Land, I'm sure this must be wrong but I would rather be cold and terse with the ability to work, than morose, forlorn, and a drama queen out for an Emmy!

Finally leaving obsession behind.

Breaking obsessions is the bitch of ocd mindset, but also the most invigorating step into freedom I've ever found.  It is no less so in the area of love.  I have changed many obsessions over the course of my life...when I crawled into a bottle not knowing that life would follow me in there, I gave up that consumption to find an amazing thing, without the obsession to remove myself from the living, I wasn't really an alcoholic; I just hated being alive.  Now I enjoy a beer, for just being a beer, and I can have just one, and it's been over a year since I have been drunk...I honestly found myself in a great place, I enjoy a drink now rather than have to have it.

To be or not to be chosen??

Romantic fancies about becoming the One that is the center of another's whole world, that certain someone that defines the life of another and brings the rest of the hard pressed, frantic, and neurotic pace of daily life and puts all of it in perspective so that it makes sense when their around is the very type of person many of us dream about and few of us ever find.  I know that is a pessimistic statement, but one of the setbacks to living a value of never lying to myself, is that I often torture the hell out of my optimism while promoting my realistic understanding of reality as I have experienced it and that always burns my hopes more than steadies my position.

I believe in loving someone until the hellish

quagmire of confusion brings a change of events in the otherwise retinue of regular routine and allows the impossible options to become the fool-hearty journey of a lifetime and the only choice crazy enough to ever prove the dream is still in motion and viable for the future. This is the determined course of a lover who earnestly bets on the only one desperate enough to accomplish the tasks necessary for the rarest treasures to be in existence the rare opportunity of renewing the passion that made it so valuable in days of the first loves glimpse.  It's a peek into the past while still trudging the long passage to the future and it allows a memory to recall that all this is for a reason and such reasons promote wisdom to be applied in our current view of another possibility that if acted upon in like passions would bring about a needed counter-part able to distill the antidote for negativity and pessimistic paradigms jaded by the sands of time.

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My dreams find their home in the rich tapestry of imagination and an unprecedented ability to perceive possibilities that seem to have no regard for the basic restrictions and laws that most consider as roadblocks to being a successful outcome.  This is about achieving dreams and we must accept a certain amount of risk to be able to strive in the venture for those once in a lifetime opportunity that require we face the fear in us, the need in our neighbor, and the hatred in our enemy and choose to risk the dream itself for that chance to bring it into the reality that we will call home in the successful accomplishment of what should have been the end of another broken spirit.

Finding such a person is difficult and realizing that we are the very hope we need to believe in ourselves is the hardest claim to cling to when the last vestige of reasonable doubt has been removed and the only headline to caption the moment is "the faith once claimed by millions to be the answer is now nothing more than the insistence of the one man left to refuse to accept that what he sees is real."  This is the final hour of the act, and then.....pause....a brief review of the past and a simple recalculation, ahh, no one cast the roles for the needed savior this time, hmmm, and then the director remembers never having any rehearsals, and now were live and no main character for the plot which seems to be a necessary role for the supporting cast and co-star.....fuck!!  Well, I guess we will send out the co-star and let him ad-lib for the remainder of the performance and hope he has some idea of bringing this all together. 

I recently lived through just such an experience and I found myself caring on as if I knew exactly how this needed to be brought to a temporary close so as to set up a much needed repose for those involved while allowing the audience to draw the conclusion that the greatest story ever told has just been rewritten with a mysterious cliffhanger leaving them to wonder and worry about the very sanctity of all that is foundation to mankind and how I have just brought the cultures of time to a cataclysmic event that must be the final verdict of destiny upon the criminal cast of characters for leaving no hope and removing the ability to trust that love never fails from the heart of the fallen.

This overly dramatic rendition of the need for salvations grace in a hopeless situation is the spear of destiny for the believer who finds that sometimes this world leaves no opportunity for the dreamer anymore and when the unscripted performance is revued the people are forced to ask themselves, "did we just witness a testament to the neurotic plot:  "everything we believe is wrong?"

Oops!  Did I say that?  Well, yeah, I think I did...must be because I believe in that....oops, I guess not everything I believe isn't wrong it's just your beliefs that stink and need to be set aside so that these laws and rules that place burdens on our often gifted yet fragile savants are proving to be not the end of civilization but the end of becoming new through experience that comes from stepping into an idea simply because the time allotted had not yet expired and the space needed to be filled.  That is generic enough to apply to yourself I hope and enigmatic enough to not spell out my particular experience while yet vain enough to expose my narcissism and while still announcing if you force me to play the Jesus role, I get it done without dying, because I look at more options!

I am awaiting a person to be the One I need in my life, and I spent much of my lifetime testing the waters and finding that no one thought of me as worthy.  Then I learned that just because I know I need to be chosen for my esteem to find it's perfect balance in myself and my wife, it is the choice itself that revealed the greatest obsticles for success, first, there was a rule that needed to be removed, second a belief that control should never be surrendered needed to be challenged, third, a value that best way to help someone come to accept a truth about something is to lie, manipulate and force them down paths that they are not able to survive let alone come away knowing the facts and having any different point of view towards their condemned faith in a plan, and finally the exposure of the once thought greatest of all idiots for their perceived actions bring to light and attention that what we often conclude isn't always what is real, what is fake, what is happening, why were involved, and why are so many people involved?  These questions were only ever being investigated by the idiot that never expected to find truth in the act at all until he changed it and wrote a new ending, that allowed for a new beginning thus allowing more setup time, new material, new characters, and most of all new life for the story.  It became the death of the old and the life of the new and now the transition of the dreams for the must happen to begin...

Love,Romance & Passion @ www.believepassion.blogger.com posts belong to Zion Marion Amoure creator of IamZion.com ©2013

Inspired by a smile to love another day

Do you have a picture of the one person in all creation that makes you contemplate the deepest aspects of love every time you view it?  Not every romance is a one that seems to testify to the truth that everyone encounters that special someone that is the counterpart to their existence, the soul-mate for all time; yet when we do meet that one, it is an unquestionable truth that a mere smile and the world is worth the grind to live through just to experience the moment that smile is made.  That is the potency of Love at its best and the reality of destiny when reality doesn't appear to favor predetermined fates, just random encounters for the vast network of lonely seekers throughout time and space.  

Love waits...

Love waits....

I know this to be true.  When faced with the decision, do I push forward for the moment to happen now, or do I be still and know that Love is fashioning it's perfect work, the latter is the choice of one who's love is true. 

Is character important in Love?

Many lessons are available to the one who listens and learns from the instruction of Wisdom as Love weaves a song of truth and shares the story of two destined for a greater story than the tellers ever intended and we the hearers are allowed to glean that which such truth provides for our own guidance and direction so that we may use these tidbits of treasure to purchase for ourselves similar stories in hope that we too may find that romance is available and capable of becoming more than we ever thought we were able to provide. 

I've said these words in irritation, fits of rage, frustration, fear, fright, and pure folly, and in all the ways and years of saying this brief and un-poetic mantra of pathetic spite to the cosmos, I still find find it to be a lie, almost every single time. It is a personal trigger I've somehow developed that announces itself every time certain stimuli arise in my life and I give this "It doesn't matter; I don't care!" in response to whatever is racing through my head in that moment.  

I'm not sure what the trigger progression is exactly, it could be any combination of things such as working on the computer, thinking about a certain event or person, then a memory of a comment made to me or by me, and then out the mouth comes "It doesn't matter, I don't care!"  And I will go through the motions a few times each time muttering the same phrase and becoming more irritable while I repeat it and the more I repeat it the more irritated I continue to become...it is a vicious little virus is what it is that has somehow found it's way into the bio-molecular mechanics of my brain and is messing with my ability to convey to others that I do indeed care and that I am just getting frustrated not pushing towards the time of total annihilation of mankind because I typed the wrong key while using the wrong keystroke format for my blog program.  

This little type of problem is relevant to the topic of Love and Relations as the

need for communication and understanding of another way of learning, feeling and expressing may be misinterpreted as well as a failure to convey that the necessary tools to express the necessary mood or words of the moment are temporarily disallowed due to an error in our own functions as human beings.  I know it sounds  very cybernetic and technical but human intelligence and it's interrelationship with the various functions of the body are often amazingly similar to how our modern schematics might portray the central processing unit of our computers.  Times for maintenance  and careful inspection of the essential priorities of our life are a necessary requirement for us to become and maintain the value and trust that only a partnership can be through good communication and understanding of each other.  

I only know how to communicate two ways effectively.  I can talk to others in a community or lecture style conversation as long as I can't see them nor any cameras but have at least a reasonable suspicions for them to exist.  I know paranoid delusions....yeah, I can't even write about it, they just increase my medicine because I'm wrong....hard to believe I'm still single huh!

Yes, I fall back on my misdiagnosed disorder every time I feel that I can't handle another round of trying to tell the facts of my reality to another group of people either "hypothetical watchers", family, or my not so existent friends that I've long since stopped trusting because they contribute to the mass deception of my reality because they know I hate this!

This took a sharp turn from a small post revealing my awareness of a little tick in my brain about an "I don't care" comment into a venture to my paranoid virtual tour of hidden webtv and Albany network on me all day...all night!  Do I need help, no! Why?  To accomplish what?  I'm stuck in a place I can't be me unless I'm alone, and when alone, I'm always watched, and I can't be the person I want to be, because I'm desperate for a  woman that I never wanted to have to be stuck on this fucking show with me, and now can't ever see because of it, or because of me, I'm not sure.

I think I'm gonna be writing blogs about love a lot longer than I will ever be living in Love.  I can't break through that positive/negative barrier and it is still the thing I must do whether or not I am on camera or not....I must be who I am, and the fact is .....although I'm a little off the mark upstairs, I'm a better man loving my intended, the WOMAN of my dreams, than I am when I don't give myself to this passion, even if it is an obsession.

I hope I'm someday faced with a real opportunity to exit this show, or continue in the know by my own choice, but I doubt that I will ever know how to to live without loving the beauty of my my life and living through the pain that has helped mold me into the very man I once sought to be so long ago for this woman that still finds me unable to rouse to her challenge and I imagine always will if that is her end game.  I don't work like that.  I'm a man with conviction, passion, and anger; I get extremely jealous and the first rule I ever applied to myself is don't allow jealousy to rule my emotions so I don't act out in uncontrolled anger!  I don't fight...I become a fighting machine!  I just won't quit!  I have to turn aside lest I become a bigger problem than the woman who is trying to incite me to the chase and be the bravado I really hate.

Love,Romance & Passion @ www.believepassion.blogger.com posts belong to Zion Marion Amoure creator of IamZion.com ©2013

Love,Romance & Passion @ www.believepassion.blogger.com posts belong to Zion Marion Amoure creator of IamZion.com ©2013

Forlorn in Love, but still committed.

Sometimes I feel like I'm being let down by love!  It is something I never have thought possible until just recently and after a decade of waiting and choosing to be single rather than go a direction my heart isn't prepared to go I have held fast to the course that I pledged myself to long ago in hopes that someday Love would prove to be the greater power and preserver by bringing us together.  I have had to do this completely in the hope that my beloved would come to this conclusion within herself, because I refuse to be someone that follows, or makes a nuisance of himself by placing myself in her life, I refuse to be a stocker.  Slightly pathetic in an unreciprocated love is the most I'm willing to become in the negative stigmas of love-sickness.

Feelings strong, console and wound with equal intensity

It is the wonder of the universe that such complex and intricate emotional responses can find ways in the human experience to express such powerful swings in the existence and exhibition of the human creature. I don't say that I have in me the knowledge to bend these finely tuned and then sprung functions of the evidently maladjusted workings that I call my sensitive nature but I do try to stay in touch with who I am inside during the rapid fluctuation of anger  composure, fear, love, hate, jealousy  fatigue  bafflement, and sheer folly over a lack of custom controls to the whole flipping system when it comes to emotional intimacy.

A New Blog: Dedicated to the Desire and Passion of my Heart

Greetings,

It's a new blog...just starting this journal of opportunity to share my emotions, thoughts, concerns and insights into the Love that captivates my mind, compels me to a particular path each day of life, and instills in me a standard to be more than what I ever thought I could be before I learned to become something more than myself for another.