Inner Abyss: Emotionally functional or "ready to shut down the town"

I created a blog post for another site today that explored a little into the my psyche and touched lightly on my feelings about unrequited love, and how I handle the realities that particular confrontation with facts and the baggage, scars, and emotions I acknowledge and quickly allow to flow on through my mind as rapidly as they are prompted, knowing that a steady diet of Denial, Excuses, and then Avoidance to keep depression from ever having it's little tantrum because I never let them to the surface anymore!  The fact that I have learned to do that without applying liberal amounts of booze is either a miracle or a sign that I have effectively cut myself off from the root that allows such passion and despair too exist; it is like the falling of an "old growth tree on Sacred Land, I'm sure this must be wrong but I would rather be cold and terse with the ability to work, than morose, forlorn, and a drama queen out for an Emmy!

The Sage still lives, but jaded...(link to blog site with this morning's post)

I don't normally use my blogs as a stage for stand up comedy, but I let that post play the ham a bit, a common theme with my mouth, however my blogs tend to resonate with my intellect, desires, and the serious reflections that lead me to understandings of truth and the pursuit thereof for the purposes of discovering the nature of our Universe, the realities we ignore/tolerate/or simply don't know anything at all about, and how I should live in concert with, in  conflict with, or completely reject all contact and acknowledgement of their existence in my often confrontational and dramatic world I must relate to a my own.  To be human, is maybe to settle for a bar I would like to raise and strive for something that doesn't try to control, manipulate, and kill me in one fashion, war, or another simply because I exist.  It seems a bit extreme, but I spent years digging the grave with a bottle simply because I hated living here, living period actually, and so in some aspects of the human consumption to be

less than our best toward a world that doesn't acknowledge any of us are here, because we all writing about ourselves on a blog that reaches out to others writing about themselves desiring we would stop and read theirs...no read mine, it's better.  It's not such a doomsday trait as I make it out to be; self-absorption in a society that centers it's marketplace advertisement on the individual and how all ads, camera, and discussions are some how aimed in our own direction, not yours, mine!  It's only a fallible trait if the conclusion everybody is interested in me and my life if I'm wrong about it; otherwise, it's just one more mountain to climb, one piece more to the puzzle, and one more goodbye when it finally comes to an end....honestly I prefer it never starting, I don't gain anything from the attention when no one acknowledges their giving it to me.

How did I get so paranoid?  Oh yeah, drugs and people watching me...duh!

It is something I have learned to tolerate...I comment sarcastically on the multitudes having a fetish with themselves because of the marketing while a

reality of mine is always having to ignore the invasion that I feel surrounding me while I insist on going to the library and engaging in the world I live, even if it is just sitting there doing my own private work ...but I'm out of the house, and there was a time I couldn't do that because of such phobias (is it still a phobia if you actually watch me, or is that just you being a freak?)  :-)

(When I look inside of me, I'm able to share with me that I'm watching me so it isn't weird when  I do it.) Actually I'm the weird one, I don't watch you back; I never do, I despise reality shows; I find them invasive and trivial.  I'm sure I would hate my show if I had one....................[on a quick note:  I am thinking about trying my hand at a podcast, never done one before, should be interesting if I decide to do it.]

Back to my introspection....

My emotions have always been powerful, dangerous in the sense that I break my heart because I don't stop once I start a road I'm determined to finish.  If the signals are all stop, flaggers waving me off, jet fighters coming in with SAM missiles, and I have committed myself to a dream, i will believe in the dream a lifetime and more too prove my commitment is a reality that can be trusted, and soon a battle in Will Power is more the Story of the drama rather than the blushed tones of a Love Song hanging on a moment that never arrives.  All of this wages war within the vast dark of my inner life, and I won't begin to go to the carnage of a mind that was a battlefield for years (another game altogether, only it wasn't a game).  

I have performed a separation from my own feelings to bring the Will to my Awareness (that which is decidedly me in the framework of my mind; more than just persona)with my intent set directed by ME that which is the weakest links of me must be placed in the grave, these parts of me will never live

again, I made the decision absolute so that the termination of the emotions, memories, and a myriad of truncated and ravaged wounds is a permanent loss from my existence, and the scar remains eternal as the cost of freedom is now a price I understand as much of who I was is no longer ever to be again, and I must live with the loss of a life I knew better than anything, and I do not know the me like I use too, because I cannot feel what i know I would have felt when thinking of me; I'm a man who has become this man who I seem to have always been is the best I can put it.  I keep control of the tower (control of the mind) and the wounded have been put down, I can not carry them with me (a persona of someone done is gone)out of my every ability to reach, so I don't try to protect what can't be saved; I'm a man that never existed before the last year took place; I am who I am suppose to be, but I ain't who I started out as when I got here.  My severed depth to the emotionally rich man I once

knew myself to be (based on my private writings of love and things) allows me to become the person I have been blessed to be, to develop the skills, and use my talents for I hope something that will lead me into my destiny, a life of meaning and usefulness.  If not, without the removal of that source of despair (beyond just a love that can't be) my existence would have been plagued by a despair with such complete despondency due to an emotional obsession that demanded so much of me I would have been hospitalized and doubtful for a recovery that my mind can ever foresee as the need demanded my unconscious devotion to the point self-sacrifice for no merit or acknowledgment and was not something I had to debate to consider an easy gift of my devotion. I had to remove this part of myself from my existence which only allowed the uncovering of all the pain I had buried within and now buried again under a shroud my darkness is capable of keeping me from ever knowing again, my dark is my emptiness that protects and teaches ME what
others have sought to hide and take away.  When we are empty, we are complete as when beginning had it's prelude and what we could be, remained nestled in the contentment that I was all I could be, and this is what I call my home, a place without movement, motion, feeling, or need.  In the dark, I no longer have any failures I am able to see; I am finally able to judge me based on who I am, and I am complete when I know it's only ME, and in the Dark, it's always only Me.

I know that my trauma is such that if I were my therapist I would recommend extensive counseling in PTSD, and other things that would normally need to be brought to the surface for acceptance , grief, and closure, but this had no reward for the cost, all that work to heal what, the ability to keep an emotion so entrenched in who i was that I could not continue to exist without that being a reality that I must always carry with me...it was too much, I didn't severe the  beauty that allowed a special meld of me and her that is more me than not (difficult and inappropriate to explain) so I will always have an understanding of us that I keep unique to our shared experiences, emotion and silence: one measure in a song I'll never sing, but enough to belong in the symphony that plays on through me. 

To sum up this emotional removal:  I still feel but I don't know how much feeling is capable compared to my understanding of what I could experience when expressing my passion before.  Large parts of my life, the emotional, sympathetic and emphatic values that cooralete with memories of my life are

mostly gone, I have a memory of laughing and no joy, feeling or anything attached to it ( a movie without sound) it is an emotionless real of this lifetime that belongs to me, and I choose to leave it as it sits...a transition from somewhere to here and mildew has ruined the scrapbook that once accompanied my mind.

Time to start a new one, a memory rich with experiences that I am sure must be waiting for me to create by choosing to live  and make my own, because I can, and that is what I desire to do; I depart the end of what was and step into the now.  Maybe my inability to form strong attachments now, a side effect that I must acknowledge as a reality, is a weakness I can overcome (but in view of my often repeated circumstances I think inability to emotionally attach is a gift I want to keep!)

Peace to you, you'll find it in the DARK,

Zion

Love,Romance & Passion @ www.believepassion.blogger.com posts belong to Zion Marion Amoure creator of SilenceCreates.com and IamZion.com ©2013