I've said these words in irritation, fits of rage, frustration, fear, fright, and pure folly, and in all the ways and years of saying this brief and un-poetic mantra of pathetic spite to the cosmos, I still find find it to be a lie, almost every single time. It is a personal trigger I've somehow developed that announces itself every time certain stimuli arise in my life and I give this "It doesn't matter; I don't care!" in response to whatever is racing through my head in that moment.  

I'm not sure what the trigger progression is exactly, it could be any combination of things such as working on the computer, thinking about a certain event or person, then a memory of a comment made to me or by me, and then out the mouth comes "It doesn't matter, I don't care!"  And I will go through the motions a few times each time muttering the same phrase and becoming more irritable while I repeat it and the more I repeat it the more irritated I continue to become...it is a vicious little virus is what it is that has somehow found it's way into the bio-molecular mechanics of my brain and is messing with my ability to convey to others that I do indeed care and that I am just getting frustrated not pushing towards the time of total annihilation of mankind because I typed the wrong key while using the wrong keystroke format for my blog program.  

This little type of problem is relevant to the topic of Love and Relations as the

need for communication and understanding of another way of learning, feeling and expressing may be misinterpreted as well as a failure to convey that the necessary tools to express the necessary mood or words of the moment are temporarily disallowed due to an error in our own functions as human beings.  I know it sounds  very cybernetic and technical but human intelligence and it's interrelationship with the various functions of the body are often amazingly similar to how our modern schematics might portray the central processing unit of our computers.  Times for maintenance  and careful inspection of the essential priorities of our life are a necessary requirement for us to become and maintain the value and trust that only a partnership can be through good communication and understanding of each other.  

I only know how to communicate two ways effectively.  I can talk to others in a community or lecture style conversation as long as I can't see them nor any cameras but have at least a reasonable suspicions for them to exist.  I know paranoid delusions....yeah, I can't even write about it, they just increase my medicine because I'm wrong....hard to believe I'm still single huh!

Yes, I fall back on my misdiagnosed disorder every time I feel that I can't handle another round of trying to tell the facts of my reality to another group of people either "hypothetical watchers", family, or my not so existent friends that I've long since stopped trusting because they contribute to the mass deception of my reality because they know I hate this!

This took a sharp turn from a small post revealing my awareness of a little tick in my brain about an "I don't care" comment into a venture to my paranoid virtual tour of hidden webtv and Albany network on me all day...all night!  Do I need help, no! Why?  To accomplish what?  I'm stuck in a place I can't be me unless I'm alone, and when alone, I'm always watched, and I can't be the person I want to be, because I'm desperate for a  woman that I never wanted to have to be stuck on this fucking show with me, and now can't ever see because of it, or because of me, I'm not sure.

I think I'm gonna be writing blogs about love a lot longer than I will ever be living in Love.  I can't break through that positive/negative barrier and it is still the thing I must do whether or not I am on camera or not....I must be who I am, and the fact is .....although I'm a little off the mark upstairs, I'm a better man loving my intended, the WOMAN of my dreams, than I am when I don't give myself to this passion, even if it is an obsession.

I hope I'm someday faced with a real opportunity to exit this show, or continue in the know by my own choice, but I doubt that I will ever know how to to live without loving the beauty of my my life and living through the pain that has helped mold me into the very man I once sought to be so long ago for this woman that still finds me unable to rouse to her challenge and I imagine always will if that is her end game.  I don't work like that.  I'm a man with conviction, passion, and anger; I get extremely jealous and the first rule I ever applied to myself is don't allow jealousy to rule my emotions so I don't act out in uncontrolled anger!  I don't fight...I become a fighting machine!  I just won't quit!  I have to turn aside lest I become a bigger problem than the woman who is trying to incite me to the chase and be the bravado I really hate.

Love,Romance & Passion @ www.believepassion.blogger.com posts belong to Zion Marion Amoure creator of IamZion.com ©2013

Love,Romance & Passion @ www.believepassion.blogger.com posts belong to Zion Marion Amoure creator of IamZion.com ©2013