Feelings strong, console and wound with equal intensity

It is the wonder of the universe that such complex and intricate emotional responses can find ways in the human experience to express such powerful swings in the existence and exhibition of the human creature. I don't say that I have in me the knowledge to bend these finely tuned and then sprung functions of the evidently maladjusted workings that I call my sensitive nature but I do try to stay in touch with who I am inside during the rapid fluctuation of anger  composure, fear, love, hate, jealousy  fatigue  bafflement, and sheer folly over a lack of custom controls to the whole flipping system when it comes to emotional intimacy.


 For all my years of study in wisdom and scriptures and other such resources I just don't ever seem to mature in the realm of intimate relations even in the outset while still striving to become friends and reach some level of understanding to which we can even parlay a damn talk. I just don't have these skills. If the friendship is already there, I can do well, one on one, just learning to understand and become better atune to how each other relate to the world around us, but in the infancy of aquaintence when the newness and awkwardness of just getting past the.....well, there you have it, I can't even describe it I'm so inexperienced at meeting women and getting to know them.

 I met every girlfriend (not many) I have ever known at a party, and it wasn't a way to build something that was going to last at all. I know how...I just can't make it work! The truth is I know I'm going to be waiting and that is good I suppose, I don't have anything to offer up except the love and the rare jump to the moon experience that just isn't your everyday, but nothing that a woman is going to feel supported and safe in because of my ability to project confidence for others, leadership, or just plain goddamn stability of home and finance! These are important to women, and some men, but I've never felt the need for them and didn't develope these skills at all...and the idea of ownership and money, I didn't care, I just never want to have to worry about it, if I can get by, I'm fine, but now I'm thinking I can't even approach this type of dream without having built something to offer these supports that though stong women may never mention they need, they sure would appreciate when evaluating potential love interests.

 My emotional understanding just doesn't offer this foundation on which to build a life around; it is a valuable asset into her psyche, and ability to connect as friends, but I will always be shy of the dream if I make the offer too risky to bet on. I understand but I don't know in the least how to approach this problem. When I can't relate, I just don't socialize...it seems to be working poorly as usual, and I'm going to have to face this and find some way to overcome this inadequacy if I ever want to be found ready if and when my hope ever becomes a possiblity. Ofcourse, there are other issues, war, family feud, I may or may not want to kill her potential/possible husband (not homicidal just minor accidental homicide with intent :-) it's all relative to the overpowering truth that I never stand a chance with a faulty skillset to implement and prepare for the starting presentation, which I've already long since missed. Dont read to much into that! The young womnan that I am interested in hasn't shared about her current situation, but I have to believe it isn't one that is advertising for a position. I just need to find another way to be ready; maybe next time the years bring us back around in the future.

It is in my built up fantasy of somehow this is always equal when I know it isn't that I always allow myself to get caught up with the ideas of something of which to have expectations mounting that I always stumble to my slap to reality with the revelation that I am still just chat buddy so to speak at best and I'm just wishing because I connected strongly while she remained seemingly afar in matters of our emotional understanding, while I know we do mesh deep and strong in the parts that cant be captured in word. I truly believe this. I stand convinced in the experience that this attachment is my greatest find and value as a man.

In the future, I will have to carefully tread the balance of knowing her as a purposeful intention, and not crossing into emotional insecurity for an obsession I can never attain. It is a delicate and precarious tightrope on which to travel. In this I have no fear. Thank you for allowing me to share some of this with you all.

Peace be with you,



Zion Marion Amoure